Sr. Ansgar Holmberg, CSJ (American, 1937?-), "O Root" (from the "O Antiphons" series). Of the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondelet. Tags: Tree of Jesse. Source: http://csjstpaul.org/ansgar_holmbergs_o_antiphon_paintings.aspx; http://yokeofchrist.blogspot.com/2010/12/o-root-of-jesse.html

Managing Conflict

Conflict is a lot like water — it spills over; it flows downhill; and, if left unchecked, it erodes whatever it touches. And sometimes it’s like red wine — it stains.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion, but a individuals opinion shouldn’t change the affect of the whole.  We must pay attention to a collective opinion of a majority. That is true whether we’re dealing with the outside world or with one another. And now that we are a more web based culture (ministry through the web, email, and texting), we don’t have the benefit of body language to help inform the subtleties of discussion. Because we can’t see one another, we can’t serve up a smile or a “You know what I mean” glance to defuse a conflict in the making.

Conflict, of course, can be a downer. But managed conflict is a good thing — it’s fertile ground for a great exchange of ideas. When people dig in and defend their positions, a deeper understanding of a problem is possible. As long as people are defending a genuine idea and not just their pride, much can be learned.

Making a case is one thing. Making a convincing case is something else entirely. Convincing yourself of something you sense is true isn’t very hard, but convincing someone else is. It makes you think harder about what you believe and why you believe it. And sometimes that alone will help you see the other side — and maybe even change your mind.

Of course, if you want to get stuff done, a decision eventually has to be made. Decisions are progress. But when decisions are important and complicated, the odds are that no matter how much you believe in your idea, someone else believes in his or hers just as strongly. Maybe you’ve convinced yourself, but the others aren’t convinced. Or maybe they haven’t convinced you. How do you break the stalemate and get to a decision?

First, it’s worth taking a step back and considering if you’re even disagreeing. Sometimes what looks like a disagreement is just an agreement cloaked in competing vocabularies.

I think of this as “faux conflict,” and I see it happen a lot — especially when people with different skills are involved. That’s because supporters of children’s ministry speak one language, worship folks another, mission minded folks yet another. Someone on Trustees calls it this, while the Finance Team calls it that. Basic misunderstandings cause a fair bit of conflict.

I remember when we were working on staff at a church in Dallas, Texas. We were looking at updating the sound system in the worship center. While most everyone agreed we needed a new system, each group had their own idea of what was needed and how it was going to be used. The Choir felt that they didn’t needed to by miked, the were professional and a “true performance” did not need any amplification. The musicians wanted everything wireless.  The home visiting team wanted it all recorded (even the congregation) to deliver, then, VHS cassettes to all shut-ins. Except for the 80 year old man that stood up while we presenting it at a board meeting motioning with two thumbs down and giving a load raspberry, we were all talking about the same thing, and we all fundamentally agreed about how it was supposed to work, yet we soon found ourselves arguing about it. Why? Because none of us were exactly sure what the others were talking about. If we had done a better job of defining our terms at the outset, there would have been a lot less argument, stress, and wasted time. Simple.

This is why we try to get real with things as quickly as possible. For us, real means something we can all look at — a picture, a sketch, something visual–and fits into our vision. Until everyone’s looking at the same thing, it can be hard to reach actual agreement. Five people may read the same paragraph, but they often interpret the words differently. But when you look at a picture, a mockup, people are more likely to reach agreement — or valid disagreement. Whichever way they go, at least we know where they actually stand, not where we think they stand. Pointing at something real cuts through to the truth.

If you find you do have genuine disagreement, then you can move on to some techniques to help resolve the conflict. One tried-and-true method, of course, is brute force: The highest authority makes the call. That could be a Pastor, District Superintendent, or Team Leader. In some cases, this has to be done. But mostly I’ve found that it leads to lousy morale and bruised egos rather than genuine agreement. In fact, the person at the top doesn’t always have the right idea. And the farther he or she is from the actual work being done, the less likely his or her idea will be the right one.

Nonetheless, almost all Church Planters would admit that it’s tough not to play dictator. I certainly know the feeling. When it’s your dream, your vision, and your ultimate responsibility, it’s easy to think you have to make all the calls, all the time. But if you really start behaving that way, you’ll see the quality of work steadily decline. If the congregation know that you’re just going to come in and tear down whatever they’ve been working on, they’re not going to give you their best work. Why would they? If it’s never going to be good enough for you, then it doesn’t matter how bad it is, either.

So here’s how one turn conflict into something positive and get stuff done.

We trade. This method is based on the highly nonscientific “I’ve got this one; you get the next one” model used by millions of people every day. You know how it goes: You grab lunch with a friend, and you pick up the tab. Next time, he gets it. You don’t really keep track, because you know it’ll all even out in the end. And even if it’s not even in the end, it’s even enough.

So sometimes, when we’re battling over a detail in one of our ministries, someone will eventually cede the decision to someone else: “OK, we’ll go with your idea this time. Next time, it’s mine.” It’s not always that literal, but the intention is implied. It’s simply not worth battling every last decision until one side is too beaten up to battle anymore. Sometimes, a friendly “You get this one; I get the next one” is all it takes to move on, egos intact.

A variation on this theme is to ask the question “Who really wants it more?” early in the process. It’s pretty rare that two people (or groups of people) all share the same degree of passion about a particular problem. Someone almost always cares more. She has more invested or a stronger opinion or just needs to win this one more than the others. So sometimes, that’s all that’s required: Just ask. Find out who really cares more and then give it to her. One day you’ll care more about something and you’ll get it. I’ve found that it all tends to even out in the end.

Another great way to see who’s really willing to stand behind an idea is to find out if he or she is willing to take responsibility for it should things go wrong.

Say we’re battling over a new ministry. One faction is certain that the feature will cause problems for our existing congregants, while the other insists that things will work out fine. In most cases, we’ll let the optimists prevail, but with one key condition: They take responsibility for handling all the issues that might arise.

So if it turns out that the congregants are complaining or things go wrong in general, it’s on their backs. They have to answer the e-mails and deal with the backlash. When someone is willing to shoulder that burden, there’s a good chance he or she has the right idea.

Of course, you don’t just give away decisions to people who aren’t capable of making them. I’m not suggesting you let anyone do ministry just to avoid long-term conflict. In all of this, I’m assuming that everyone is making valid points for the most part. If someone is uninformed or arguing for the sake of arguing, the worst thing you can do is hand it over.

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